Today Was a Good Day

Okay. So my first day home with the kids was completely filled with so many different emotions. All-in-all it was really wonderful, but I'm bullet-listing my emotions/experiences for your enjoyment.

• I cried because it was so wonderful.
• I teard up as I watched Dylan and Lane play together. And I wondered if they would be closer because of this added time together.
• I calmy disciplined Dylan for two accidents she could have prevented. Potty related.
• I yelled like the exorcist for the kids to get out of the fridge. I really regret that one, because they were really scared for a minute. Wish I could take that back, but that's one of those all the time occurring things. Still wish I could take it back.
• I enjoyed Lane and I alone before Dylan woke up from her nap. Just putting my cheek to his arm and him smiling.
• I enjoyed Dylan minding me so well at Wal-Mart.
• I experienced being the mom with the two kids in public, who other people gawk at because the kids are so bad. But they weren't really being bad, they decided it was wonderful to scream as loud as they could at each other. Really. Lane would start - he would just scream like a crazy baby and then Dylan would chime in, as if in competition. That was new.
• I loved that they ate a healthy lunch.
• I acted a fool at our Dance Party USA in the living room, but loved it. Got winded too.
• I became slightly frustrated because Dylan wanted to play during Bible time, when I was trying to tell her how awesome it is that she was created for a purpose. After explaining this in great detail and in terms I thought she could grasp, which I had given much thought to, I asked her, "Isn't that awesome Dylan?" Her response: No.
• I laughed as Dylan made me eggs for the 100th time in her play house this morning. Then I threw her a curve ball and ordered a coffee, a water, wheat toast with butter and grape jelly, and oatmeal. She said, "Otay!" Went straight to work, then turned and asked, "Toke?" No baby, coffee. She even stirred in cream for me with a stick and served it on a tray. Never saw the toast though.

And, drum roll...I didn't have my keys in hand ready to hit the road when Philip got home! Until next time. Peace and Love.

If I Were Twittering

If I were twittering, or fully understood what that meant, I think I would say, "And so it begins tomorrow - my first day home with my kids!" I'm excited. Strange? Maybe. Won't know for sure until close of business tomorrow. If I'm standing in the entry with only the glass door closed, and my face nearly pressed against the glass, with keys in hand, waiting for Philip - we'll know it was strange. But I don't think I'll be there. We shall see....love.

Let the Cement Set

Have you ever thought about how the tiniest and smallest of things can have so much control over something much bigger and greater than the afore? A bit placed in the mouth of a horse can control it's entire massive, herculean body. A piece of metal 5-8" long, can control a 300-2,000 lb. animal.

Same with a ship. Most ships and carriers are steered by a small rudder. These massive vessels are subject to strong winds, the strength of the body of water they sail, yet their captain may go in the direction he or she chooses by steering the rudder. So tiny in comparison to the size of that which it controls.

And thus, our tongues. This small muscle in our mouths can be so very controlling. Aside from its purpose to assist in eating and taste, our tongue forms words.

The tongue can heal, help, love, brighten, set free, bring truth, bring comfort. Yet it can hurt, harm, destroy, lie, darken, cut, sever, lash out.

The hardest muscle to control, and yet one of the smallest.

In the letter of James, he says that no one can tame the tongue. With it we bless and with it we curse - from the same mouth both blessing and cursing.

Ouch.

We are to be S-L-O-W to speak, and quick to hear. Me? I can't even remember half of the things I say. I say them so quickly, without even thinking. In fact, Philip and I have gotten into arguments recently, because I won't remember what I've said, or I won't remember saying anything about the subject in question at all. Not good. And at times I can't remember what someone has said to me - why? Most likely because my minds too busy thinking of what I'm going to say next. Ugh.

I have been hurt very badly, very deeply by words, both spoken and written. Words are forever. They can be forgiven, but they can never be taken away. If I had to keep a written record of all of the mean things I've said - all of the harsh comments, quick retaliation to those who've offended me or a loved one, things I didn't really mean, but that hurt, snide comments and so on - not only would I be writing for a very, very long time, but I would collapse in exhaustion from weeping and agonizing over the pain and hurt I have caused. All of the flesh I have pierced with my venemous words - some formed wounds that have scabbed and since healed, some have left scars, and some will forever remain a flesh wound.

A great forest can be set aflame by a very small fire. The tongue is a fire, the very world of iniquity; the tongue can defile the entire body, and sets on fire the course of our life (v 3:5-6).

Maybe the time it would take, and the pain it would become, to record every hurtful/cursing thing I said, would assist me in slowing down my deadly poison-laden muscle. Because let me tell you - every morning I can pray and ask that I be given strength to bridle my tongue, and it's not 20 minutes later that I'm asking myself why I just said something. Why did that even cross my mind or come out?

It's lack of self control. If you can control your tongue, then you can control every other part of your body.

It's also habit. The constant movement and flicker of our tongues is a habit. Moments of silence are uncomfortable for some, so we fill them. Knowledge feels good and so we speak it, freely. Opinions voice expression, so we voice them. Silence is almost seen as stupidity. You may feel if you don't respond immediately, then you appear as if you were at a loss for words or ideas or opinions. You feel uncomfortable.

Ever given much thought to a cement truck? The trucks with the cone-shaped area at the back that constantly turns so that the cement inside doesn't solidify?

I think I've been living with a bag of quickcrete in my mouth. I'm afraid if I stop spewing forth thoughts, comments, opinions, ideas, knowledge, gossip, news, mindless chatter - that the quickcrete will set. But that's what I need. I need the cement to sit, and to set. I need something that heavy, that solid, that permanent, to S-L-O-W me down. I need to ask myself what the purpose is of what I'm about to say. I need to ask myself what my intentions are of what I'm about to say, BEFORE the words come forth. Because once they come forth, they're etched somewhere. They are then the concrete. And even if you get your big sledge hammer out and bust them up with a few slugs of forgiveness and few slugs of apology and few slugs of trying to forget - the tiny pieces will still remain.

What a chore! And an ongoing one at that. Like trying to keep a house clean with two toddlers, a husband, a dog, and me.

You Are Just a Vapor; The Next Chapter

Nearly three years ago a very good friend of mine sat across from me and said, "From now on, your most imporant job is to be a mother." Nothing matters more, nothing is more imporant. As I hapharzardly replied, "Yeah, I know," as if hearing just another two cents of advice, my dear friend, uncrossed her legs and leaned forward and said, "No. I'm serious, your most, important job now is to be a mother." The words were as heavy as stone, and a glimmer of the past from which they came, poured through her eyes. The weight with which those words were said, the definitivness and seriousness that was shown in every muscle of her entire body - etched those words onto my heart. But lightly at present.

The blade on my exacto knife is habitually dull. Unless the material I'm cutting is paper-thin, I've come accustomed to making my first cut, which is merely an outline, in preparation to make the deeper, more permanent cut. Depending on the material, I may have to dig the blade into it to cut all the way through.

Her words that day, made the first etching and outline on my heart, and over the past three years the letters composing each word have been dug deeper and deeper.

There are many known, and some unknown, reasons as to why it took so long for me to surrender to something I could no longer ignore. I suppose it takes time to stop making decisions based on what's in YOUR own best interest, and start making decisions and DOing things with others best interest at heart, as well as your own.

Last Monday, after over six months of deliberating, figuring, calculating, speculating, researching, praying, deciding and then changing my mind, praying, asking, seeking, even becoming physically nauseous with all of the thought processes. I turned in my two week notice at my current job.

If you've never left a job where there was nothing wrong, it is the most twisting, almost haunting feeling. Once you've rattled off your reasons why and you're feel confident in your decision, the haunting thought enters your mind - Just to get this straight - you're leaving a job you excel at, a good job for you, flexible, good pay, good benefits, all good. Right? Deep breath. Yes.

Tomorrow will be my "official" last day, although I will be doing some work throughout the next month, and possibly longer.

Next Monday, I begin a new chapter of my life, which means a new chapter for everyone who's close to me, especially my children and my husband.

Next Monday I will begin working for my family's business three days a week (Wholesale Sale Supply). I will be doing adverting/marketing, but I'll also be assisting the head hauncho/office manager/accountant - my grandmother. My grandmother is in her '80s and she still works there every day, and does all of the company's accounting BY HAND, no computers, and has since my grandfather started the business. I will be helping her enjoy life (hopefully) by not having to be there every day, and ease some of her anxieties. I'll be assisting my dad with the marketing/advertising/new opportunities.

And on Tuesdays and Thursdays I will be (drum roll please) keeping Dylan and Lane at home with me! That feels so good to say! I have been so burdened for the past year to be home with them, but for novel-length reasons (meaning you're getting the nutshell version) I haven't done anything about it.

I am SO VERY blessed that I even have the opportunity to do this. I'm blessed that my family would offer me this opportunity and be willing to add the expense of another employee. I'm blessed that Philip is supporting me in this, and has all along the way, 100%. Although he still doesn't understand why it took 6 months. I'm blessed with my current/former employer for being so understanding amongst other things. I'm just a very blessed person at this time in my life. I have a huge support group of God, family and friends who have re-assured me along the way, and that is irreplaceable.

If you've spent much time with me lately, or this may be in my Busy post, can't remember, too tired....you might have heard this already, but time is all we have. "You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away." (James 4:14) We get this tiny little square of life and that's it. So, while the safest, and to some smartest, and to others most logical thing to do, would have been to stay put. While I found myself at times thinking, Dylan's going to be in Kindergarten soon and won't need me much then, what's going to happen when they're in school and don't need me, where will I be? I thought, that's the thing. We don't know where, we don't even know if, we'll be.

So, next Monday it is!!! I'll keep you "posted."